Starting Over

So it’s time to step back into the relationship pool after a long time on the sidelines. It can be a challenging, revealing, stimulating, exciting, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, demoralizing experience … sometimes all at once! There are a handful of things to keep in mind as you begin to navigate in these challenging, possibly unfamiliar, waters.

Know yourself – First, it’s very important to understand what you’re trying to accomplish. Companionship? Intimacy? Friendship? Next partner? Filling a sense of emptiness or loneliness? Realize that your goals might change over time, but having a clear sense of your motivations is a critical starting point. If you understand the thing or things you truly want out of a relationship, you have much better likelihood of achieving it. The places you go, the people you associate with and the things you do should all be affected by your goals and are certain to have a big impact on the types of prospects you meet.

Be Confident – Although you may find yourself feeling awkward and reliving those nervous preteen years, take a few moments to congratulate yourself. You’re about to undertake a courageous task and guess what? You’re a much better you, than you were as an adolescent. You’re smarter, funnier and wiser and you’re further down the path we call “life.” You’ve experienced highs and lows and you’re a better, stronger person for them. There’s also a very good chance that you understand your body better than you did before you entered adulthood. Regardless of the circumstances that have gotten you to this point, you have a lot to offer. Take a little time before jumping into the pool. Figure what some of those attractive qualities are and then seek out the types of people who will appreciate them.

Smile & Laugh – A good sense of humor is a tremendous turn-on. It demonstrates that confidence we were just talking about and helps to keep the mood light. Particularly as you get to those potentially awkward moments, like the first kiss and beyond, a willingness to be good-natured and relaxed will go a long way toward leading to the outcome you’re hoping for.

Be Patient – Pressure and intensity are tremendous turn-offs. There are likely to be times when you’ll want things to move along at a quicker pace. Whether it’s with that actual person who feels so right and so special and sooooo slow, or the theoretical person you’re still hoping to meet, it’s important to remember that worthwhile outcomes rarely happen as quickly as we’d like. It can be tempting to pounce on the first prospect that looks promising, or to set deadlines for certain stages in a relationship. Real life doesn’t work that way. Use this “extra time” to get to know that potential partner a little better, or get to know yourself a little better so you’ll be even more attractive to that next potential partner. With some distance ,you’ll probably appreciate the fact that things didn’t move as quickly as you’d like. At times it can even provide the prospective you need to help steer you from a potentially bad relationship.

Be Realistic – In addition to moving slower than we’d like at times, sometimes life doesn’t go in the direction we’d prefer either. People are complicated beings. Getting two of them on the same page in any type of relationship can be easier said than done at times. You may have different priorities, backgrounds, interersts or hot buttons. Sometimes a relationship that looks good on paper just doesn’t click. It shouldn’t be anyone’s fault. Try to focus on enjoying the moment and sharing experiences with another individual. It’s often the best way for long-term outcome (if that is the result you desire). In the event that you’re off to a good start with someone, recognize that you are both likely to be bringing some history and a set of likes and dislikes to a relationship that will require some dealing with. It’s also good to remember that the emotional aspects of relationships can be difficult at times. Some people would rather avoid negative conversations, particularly as they apply to break-ups. It’s always painful to be “dumped,” regardless of your age, but if it does happen to you at some point try not to take it personally and learn what you can from the totality of your experience.

You already know that getting back into relationships can be a challenge. But if you’re willing to take your time, enjoy your experiences and avoid putting pressure on yourself, you’re likely to have not one, but several positive outcomes.