Dr. Buckley's Answer

It sounds like you might be referring to genital warts, which could be the basis of her fear. If so, it’s important that you know that they are very contagious. Genital warts are transmitted by skin to skin contact. Therefore, you can them with oral, vaginal, or anal sex with an infected partner. Getting them through oral sex is rare, but if you do have visible genital warts, you should avoid any skin-to skin and sexual contact until the warts are treated.

It’s possible your wife might already have the HPV virus since it is the most common sexual transmitted infection. In the United States approximately 20-million people are currently infected with HPV (Wikipedia). And, if your wife is over 26 she will not be able to get the vaccine at this time. Unfortunately, the research on the vaccine’s safety and efficacy has only recently begun with women older than 26 years of age, and is currently only being given to girls/women between the ages of 9 and 26 years old. I recommend your wife get annual cervical Pap smear and HPV tests to prevent cervical cancer caused by the HPV virus.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

Has your husband always had a low sex drive, or has something recently changed? Common reasons for a lowered sex drive can range from certain medications to relationship problems to life stressors to routine, boring sex. It’s common for women take their husband’s lack of sexual desire personally, but it not usually the case.

He says that he’s getting old and that “we shouldn't have to that often”. 43 is hardly old, and good sexual relationships can last a whole lifetime…if wanted. There may not be anything wrong with your husband, but there is something wrong with your relationship since you are unhappy and clearly want a sex life with your husband. There might be “more to life than sex”, but sex is an important part of life and relationships.

I recommend you have a conversation with your husband to let him know how you feel. Are there any sexual activities that he enjoys? Does he have any sexual fantasies, masturbate or enjoy receiving oral sex? If so, try incorporating these into your sex life. If he’s unwilling to talk to you or seriously consider your sexual needs, I suggest you see a certified sex therapist. You deserve to have a sexual relationship with your husband.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

I doubt a bigger penis will make your wife more interested in sex. If you want to try some new sex aids to bring your wife more pleasure I recommend a vibrator for clitoral stimulation, which many women enjoy even more than penetration. And you might want to experiment with the “Love Ring”, which can give you and your wife added stimulation during intercourse. Also, oral and manual sex are wonderful sexual activities that don’t require an erect penis, and if desired can give you the spontaneity you crave.

Remember, seduction does not begin when you get naked. Seduce and romance your wife by helping her around the house, courting her, and surprising her with small, thoughtful gifts. It may increase her interest in your sex life.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

It doesn’t sound like there is anything “wrong” with you. As a matter of fact, many women who are able to achieve orgasm with masturbation are unable to have orgasms with partner sex. Since many women require direct clitoral stimulation to obtain the big O, I suggest you and/or your partner try stimulating your clitoris with fingers or a vibrator before, during after, or instead of intercourse. Also, letting your partner know the way you like to be touched will go a long way towards increasing your sexual pleasure and satisfaction, which is the foundation to having orgasms.

To answer your question about the connection of emotions and orgasms, there is often a correlation between the two. While many men and women can have orgasms without any emotional feelings or attachments, there are also people who cannot. However, it’s the negative emotions that often have the power to suppress your orgasms. Feelings of anger, sadness, fear, guilt, anxiety, etc., can all interfere with and overpower any sexual pleasure you might otherwise be experiencing. So, be aware of how these emotions might be affecting you personally. And lastly…you wrote that you and your husband have a great sexual relationship. Remember, orgasm is only one part of a sexual relationship and sexual pleasure. Relax and focus on the pleasure you’re experiencing and on your husband instead of worrying about having an orgasm, and your chances of experiencing an orgasm during sex will dramatically increase.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

I’ll be as gentle as I can here, but I won’t be doing you any justice if I don’t tell it to you straight. I can’t tell you why your boyfriend moved out or why he’s “weird” about getting close to you or making love to you. However, fear of commitment or not, the facts can’t and should not be ignored. While you may love one another, he has moved out and said he “does not want you”. Ouch!

Ask yourself if this is the kind of partner and relationship you want. When you spend time with and give your love to a partner who doesn’t respect, support, adore, or want to be with you, you lose who you are and your self-esteem can suffer and dwindle, which can keep you in an unsatisfying and destructive relationship. I suggest you take some time to really think about what you want, or consider seeing a therapist to assist you in what can be a difficult process.

About the odor after sex…we all have our own subjective likes and dislikes, and this is also true of scents. He may not like the after sex odor, or this may be an excuse to not have sex, but unless you have a vaginal infection, this has nothing to do with you.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

First, I recommend you both go see a qualified gynecologist to rule out any medical problems or concerns (perhaps a thick hymen?), and to get some guidance. Having lots of sex-play before sex and using a sexual lubricant are a great start. Relaxation is also an important part of enjoyable, pain-free sex. The fear and anxiety of first time intercourse can make relaxation challenging. I suggest you begin your love making with a warm bath and a body massage. And remember to always proceed slowly and gently. Sex should never hurt.

Sexual skills are like any other skill where we learn with instruction, knowledge, experience, time and patience. And while there are some great books, internet sites and videos to help increase your sexual knowledge, it’s often difficult to discern the good information from the misinformation. I applaud you for finding this website and asking for help. In addition to seeing a medical doctor, I recommend the Better Sex Video Series to learn about everything from sexual anatomy to sexual communication to making sex fun. If watching explicit sex makes you uncomfortable, I recommend a wonderful book called “The Guide to Getting it On!” by Paul Joannides.

I look forward to hearing about your progress, and feel confident that if you follow the above suggestions, you and your wife will be living the sexually fulfilling life you dream of.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

Many men I speak to tell me that their greatest turn-on is a turned-on woman. Does your boyfriend know that your facial and verbal expressions represent your sexual pleasure and desire for him? Tell him. And let him know that his comments are hurtful and affecting your sexual desire. It sounds like your boyfriend’s point of reference might be somewhat limited. If his sexual education consists mainly of watching porn, he probably has a lot to learn. Learning about sex from watching pornography is like learning to drive by watching a car chase movie. They’re both fun to watch, but unrealistic.

I encourage you to “let it all out” and enjoy your sexual pleasure in spite of the possible consequences of your boyfriend’s comments or judgment. The consequences of being fake and guarded are much worse.

Dr. Buckley's Answer

I seriously doubt that the size of your clitoris is the reason for your difficulty in having an orgasm, or that it is smaller than “normal”. The clitoris comes in a wide variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. Did you know there is more to the clitoris than the glans (the round bump under the clitoral hood). For example, there is the clitoral shaft, legs, and lots of surrounding erectile tissue. To learn all about the clitoris (and more) I recommend the book “A New View of a Woman’s Body” A Fully Illustrated Guide by the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers. And remember that many women don’t orgasm with intercourse, which doesn’t give the direct clitoral stimulation that most women require to have an orgasm.

To answer your question, there is such a thing as a clitoris pump. It doesn’t permanently increase the size of your clit, but does draw blood into the clitoris, which increases its size and sensitivity. Many women report they enjoy the increased sensitivity that a clitoral pump gives them. You might also want to try using a vibrator to stimulate your clitoris, or explore your G-spot to expand and enhance your orgasmic potential.